What makes relationships work…?

In a general way, some pointers will be given about how to make relationships work that the author has found by looking at research as well as his own experience.

What is covered are such things as:

• active listening
• expectations
• resolving conflict (looking at the problem rather than blaming the person when there is conflict)
• being concerned for the partner’s well-being
• effective communication
• being assertive
• being oneself in the relationship from the start

This includes not hiding anything or being on one’s best behaviour initially and then letting it all go downhill subsequently when the relationship seems to be established.

This latter point is about being open and honest, but without being offensive. Sometimes complete openness and honesty can verge on being offensive if the other person doesn’t want to know absolutely everything.

So the list could go on, but these are the main issues.

One good guide is an exercise called “Living fully and assertively in the world”. This is based on Maslow’s research on 2000 men who had success in their relationship, family life and work, and felt fulfilled. Hopefully though it does apply to women too.

When doing hypnotherapy for relationships, I often use these ideas and suggestions to imprint in the mind. For example, when thinking how therapy can help relationships, it is best to focus on what the problem is rather than the person when a problem needs to be resolved.

So it is about looking at the problem objectively rather than blaming the other person. A clear example of this would be arguments where one person could well blame the other, but objectively it does take two to make an argument.

Key ideas about life and relationships

Life is what happens when you are making other plans.
People plan, God laughs.

Life is not a rehearsal — you just have to live it. Even so, what you make of your life and relationships is to a large degree up to you.

The main thing you can do each day is be in charge of your attitude and your reactions and bring them under your control. It is not what actually happens which is important, but your attitude and reactions towards it.

Again, in arguments it can help to “count to 10” in your mind before you respond to an angry partner, spouse, friend, etc.

Another key thing in life is to learn so that no matter what happens, you focus much more on what you learn from it rather than how much pain or suffering it can cause you.

Be aware of the pain, but don’t let it debilitate you or make you into a victim. So rather than saying to yourself, “What have I done to deserve this?”, ask instead, “What is it I need to learn from what has happened?”

Ideally it is not to mind what happens in any case. This is a Buddhist idea, and it does take a lot of mental discipline to do that.

The key thing in life is to go with the flow. Don’t push the river — it can flow by itself.

What this refers to is how people can cause themselves a lot of pain and suffering by not accepting what they can do little about. In other words, it is resisting what you can’t do much or anything about that causes pain and suffering.

Acceptance — that life is the way it is and not the way you would like it to be — allows you to experience more joy in life rather than seeing it as a burden to be got through.

So again, in relationships, go with the flow and just see what happens rather than resisting or manipulating.

In relation to this, see Appendix 4 for points called “Symptoms of Inner Peace”.

Keeping such ideas in mind can help in being more calm and relaxed when going through the initial stages of a relationship, which can be very challenging.

So add any ideas in the space below which you feel can enhance your relationship — and more importantly, your life in general.

Don’t forget that a relationship isn’t about just two people. It is about all their friends and relatives as well.

Mature relationships – secure attachments?

What makes a relationship mature or immature? Is a mature relationship determined by age — for example, over 40?

Some people just don’t grow up, so a mature relationship with them could be completely unrealistic at any age. Some people are mature beyond their years, so age doesn’t solely determine the nature of a relationship.

As will be discussed under compromise and commitment, it is surprising what can be made to work. People who don’t seem at all well matched sometimes succeed, and those who appear very well matched sometimes don’t.

Sally Cline, in her book “Couples”, illustrates this in an excellent way through interviews with couples of many persuasions and interests, sexual orientations, and different races.

The psychological qualities of a mature relationship involve:

• honesty
• commitment
• taking into account the other person’s needs
• a realistic appraisal of the other person, based on knowledge and understanding

The psychological nature of an immature relationship involves:

• taking the other person for granted
• dishonesty
• game playing
• lack of commitment
• loving an image or idea rather than the person as they really are

Perhaps this is why it is often said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Time and distance allow the imagination to take over and to remember what is best about the partner. We must remember the difference between imagination and reality. We can forget the aggravation and what makes it difficult for the relationship to work on a day-to-day basis.

In an immature relationship there is often a desire for perfection. The other person, oneself, or both must be perfect in order to maintain the relationship.

There is inflexibility, often driven by social expectations of what a person should be like or should do. It is not based on keeping in mind what is best for the other person.

This can include the idea of “giving advice”, which can be a form of control — especially when it is given with the idea of knowing better than the other person.

Advice, when asked for, is fine. Otherwise it should be given sparingly and only when it genuinely helps the relationship to work.

The Perfect Partner

An amusing fiction book about finding the perfect partner is “The Rosie Project” by Graeme Simsion.

The main character, Professor Don Tillman, has Asperger’s but is unaware of his own condition. This is often the case when the condition is mild and the person functions in society in a reasonably acceptable manner.

When he dated, he had never got past the first date, and he is 39 in the book. The “Wife Project” is his answer, in which he has women fill in a questionnaire to see how compatible they are.

Then Rosie enters his life to cause complete chaos. She is totally incompatible in his eyes, so he doesn’t see her as a potential partner. Yet he experiences a totally alien emotional feeling towards her — alien in the sense that he has never before been capable of having such a feeling.

There is a questionnaire with 25 questions at the back of the book, meant to find the perfect match for Don. If the candidate scores highly, she must then answer the 120 questions of the full questionnaire.

The questions cover topics such as:

• smoking
• drinking
• interests
• beliefs
• ironing
• exercise
• car ownership
• religion
• talking

For example, with ironing, the best response is that clothes don’t need ironing. For car ownership, the correct answer is to take public transport rather than drive. In relation to talking, the correct answer is to talk about facts and theories, not about people.

It is clear from the questionnaire that Don has many characteristics of Asperger’s.

Acceptance, compassion, and real connection

In a mature relationship there is a willingness to learn, accept, and love the myriad features of imperfect people — including oneself.

It involves compassion for the other person and self-compassion too. At its best, it is driven by what is best for the other person — perhaps even helping them to realise their full potential.

This includes giving advice when it is asked for, rather than because it is assumed to be “best” for the other person to know.

Immature relationships are dysfunctional in some way. One person makes unrealistic demands on the other, or fails to relate to them as a person and takes them for granted.

Mature relationships are functional. One person has realistic demands on the other, relates to them as a person, and does not take them for granted.

Ideally, this happens at such a deep level that the other person is truly known — in other words, they have truly become “soul mates.”